Scars

"Each time I get a glimpse of this past of mine, it's like hearing my father was dead once again, crazy racing of my heartbeat. A lot of darkness; regrets, pity, acrimony, pain, disdain, contempt, scorn, thickening the cloud. It's always the bad part of keeping up with the present and worse when I think of the future, so unsure, so incompetent, and so diffident I become. The guilt is so excruciating that I wonder if I'll ever find my way past it till my death; there is no easy way. Fornication, incest, adultery, stealing, lies upon lies, brutal words to a heart in need, a lot of good I failed to do, mastery of con... God, where does this even end? My heart feels stabbed."
     My dear reader, I have a scar, so I write from my misery. Life does have its twists, its turns, its ups and its downs. While it does this, it sometimes leaves an indelible mark due to your actions and reactions through this rigorous path. Life is tunnel of so many channels, for you to go through any of this channels, you have to make a decision, a choice, whether to or whether not to. These choices make us who we are or who we turn out to be. You may glance through this article and see “God” written at some points and then decide not to continue reading, then that would be another choice you have made this moment. Many ask, “If God already knew I would become who I am now, or make these deadly mistakes, why did He even create me?” The truth is, God is omniscient, and He knows what you’ll be if you make the right decision and exactly how you’ll end up if you make the wrong ones. But He left us with something, the power to make the right choice!
Most times we make wrong choices due to certain reasons:

People make your choices for you. 
A lot of people keep fighting not to let others make their decisions for them, it’s a good fight, but the truth is, they never win. A fact still remains that we can never make major decisions in life without that decision being influenced at least 70% by people’s views, or the fear of it, directly or indirectly. No man is an island, therefore to a significant extent, we still need people’s views to make a right choice, just as we need a mirror to confirm how we look. So do you know what I think would help you through this angle of deciding? Keep the right people around you all the time. Now this is a hard part, as simple as it sounds. Sometimes, our closest are the deadliest, even when we actually know, we just choose not to let them go. The right friends guide you to your goal more easily, they return you to the right path when you pave the wrong one. They help you control your emotions and become the strength you need to attain complete mastery over them. Emotions have kept a lot of people in very bad situations such as, unwanted pregnancy, venereal disease conditions, attempted murder, robbery, and so many more, so keep it in check!
The wrong friends take you off the rails of positive growth. It is easy to assume a bad friend is a nice friend because wrong deeds are easier to learn. The wrong friends are the worst people to have around you when you are confused, they always aid you to wrong choices.

Impatience
This vice has played a big role in tainting people with indelible scars. Don’t ever get pressured to make a hasty decision on a critical matter, most times it turns out wrong. Always take your time to study all the sides to a situation, hasty decisions never pay off well.

Pray and decide
Most people do the opposite, this is wrong. When you decide before you pray, you are simply telling your God the decision is yours and He can come in when you are done with the serious stuff. Always seek for a divine assistance before making a choice, He directs better if you believe.

Pride
This is an emotion and I believe I’ve mentioned it earlier, but I chose to pick it out and lay some emphasis on it. There is no harm in a healthy self-esteem, but there is a big problem when most of your decisions are taken on the basis of protecting your ego; there is no harm in humility as well. Understand that when you become unnecessarily pompous and conceited, it affects your decision making. Most people create walls around them, this is unarguably comprehendible, but keep your walls high enough to see people’s faces clear when you peep from over the wall, just so you don’t lose good friends.

No one knows your pain
I agree, there are some things I did that were so bad, and if only someone understood my real pain, sat down to have a calm heart to heart talk with me instead of using violence, maybe I would have become better. You may have a very bad sexual urge, a love for new things, a hate for people that you can’t explain; and these things pushed you into rape or even incest, stealing and murder respectively, all because NO ONE UNDERSTOOD! These things you passed through were not as easy as people thought, it was too strong for you to handle as little as you were, what everyone cared about was the harm you had done, they would call you names and tell you how much they disgust you, they even gave you a long term curse that you carry and always reminded you of your stigma. They never knew how hard you fought not to get to the point you’ve found yourself in, the most hurting part, when they are done white-washing you, they abandon you to yourself to build yourself back to a better person, HOW?
This can be painful, and trust me, I know exactly how it feels. Laying blames on these people in your life is okay, but it never solves the problem. It never changes the fact that you made the wrong call each time you made the wrong choice. You could have sought for someone who could hear you out and advised you better, it’s a choice you never made. It is solely your cross to bear. Don’t look for excuses to do wrong by believing no one knows your pain, when you tell it, it would be known and it would be solved.

My dear reader, what or who wounded you? 

Where are you hurt? 

How many people know about your scar? 

The worst part of living with a scar is the fear of drowning in the thought of it, very endless the pain, like a song on repeat. Most times we are left with two options; whatever we can do not to think about this pain or to take away our lives entirely and “gain peace”. Now there goes the reason why I’m writing this article, to restore your sanity dear one. I’ve been there, I’ve thought it all. Many motivational speakers, writers and counsellors would teach without mentioning what they’ve done or how rugged their path has been, it takes a lot of courage, so I won’t blame them. My path was rough, and it is still. I live in my hurt, my guilt, my punishments, my darkness, and my scars. Sometimes, I felt like all the pain compared to things I had done seemed to condign well. I thought about drinking, I thought about smoking, all against my life decision not to. I thought about suicide, I even attempted. I became my only comfort, always felt fingers pointing at my face each time I left my room. At some point, I inclined to a thought, “What the hell?” I went back to whom I was, stayed put. The harm is done, a point of no return, who shoots a man dead and decides to remove the bullet to bring him back to life?
You read those aforementioned questions? Attempting to answer those questions pushed me down to this thinking strata. The things that wounded me were so red hot, enough to pierce deep through my body and into my soul. Everyone that trusted me, everyone I’ll do anything to have their trust, they all knew my scar. They knew me exactly for whom I was, staying behind my shadows, lurking in the dark, these were no more options for me.
But then a friend said, “Out from darkness, comes light”. What good can come from Nazareth? Jesus did! When I started speaking to people, I felt I didn’t deserve to speak, like people don’t deserve to hear whatever I had to offer, “Who am I kidding?” and then another friend said, “If your mouth does not speak clean and life into people, then you are dumb.” So I never stopped.

Dear friend, a scar can never be erased from your past, but there can be beauty even in pain. Remember that your scar was engraved by wrong choices, the moment you start deciding better, the scar is not eliminated but it stops deepening. The more the wrong choices, the deeper your scar, so you see, it is not a point of no return. When you live with a scar, take it one day at a time. Make a decision every day not to go back on your wrong path, keep to that decision till the end of the day. Take your mind off your past and let your future put them to bed. Brace up yourself with prayers for you would always be haunted, don’t run from them, face your fears. The decisions you made in the past does not matter anymore, but the ones you make today, tomorrow and the next would determine who you would continue to be.
Sometimes questions like this may come rushing through your head…

How would I even convince people that I have changed, who would believe me?

Does it mean God will just forgive all these things I’ve done, just like that? How do I even face Him?

This God path is just too demanding, I will now have to start praying every day, going to church and the rest? How would I even talk to someone about God, they would start calling me born again?

You see my dear, these questions build a wall of fear so high that you can’t see the real question that should bother you. These questions are the dark side trying to draw you back.

The real question is…

Do you want peace in your life?

Doing the right thing takes a lot of courage, and it can only come from you. You have to choose that path and follow it. Taking the path of God is not as hard as you think, it just involves you understanding why you need Him, believing in what He can do for you, and knowing that He lets you do the things you think you can do and the day He decides you can’t do them anymore, you go back to Him. God exists! I don’t believe because people told me, I believe because I have seen Him do things in my life that it could only be Him. All I did was tell Him to take charge, that I was tired of doing it all by myself, that He should lead me. Don’t let people brainwash you into the belief that He doesn’t exist, trust me, their choice of words are always so gullible. God forgives all sins, entirely. But He may not forget all sins at the same time. When you seek for forgiveness, He would forgive, but you have to work your way back to Him to earn His grace. There are a million ways to do good, choose one way and sacrifice your whole being to doing well through that way. I chose speaking to people, this way I constantly remind myself of who I was and how much I need to be better by following my own words. I also try to help the younger ones not to grow through those paths I’ve taken in life and keep them on the right path.

Now I believe you understand, your scars are yours, not for people, so you don’t need to convince anyone you need peace in your life; you don’t need to fear facing God, because all He waits for everyday is to give you peace; you don’t need to work so hard to be with Him, all you need is to do good every day to people around you and acknowledge His Name in everything about your life. Remember, your scars may never heal, but there is beauty even in pain; out from the darkness, comes light.
To our scars that may never heal, and the peace we would find in it, I say cheers!

                           Thank you for reading, so long! ☺