David Weds

                                                          

              

                                                                       
                                                                                                    

            When I was younger, early teens, I made a promise to myself, that I would get married before thirty. Why, you may ask, or even, how? I will try to explain, as I engage you in another of my captivating write ups.

            Dear reader, as you go down this article, learn that my objective of writing this piece, is to widen your horizon on marriage perception. Many books, articles and other artistry have been developed to fight the confusion that comes with this strata of life, but the devastated marriages of today have statistically shown that no justice has been done to quenching the growing fire. I have come to understand that authors and counselors have done a great job in trying to remedy this situation, but the problem is not in reading or listening to the theories they render, it lies in the understanding.

Understanding is never a complete cycle until the acquired knowledge is lived out practically.

So, no matter how many of these works you have read or listened to, you have to eventually live out what they teach before you can absorb its effect.

            Back to the story of my dream. I’m not a fan of the “work hard, make money, then come home and we would find you a befitting wife” ideology. Not to dispute this theory, I’m just, convinced that whoever I wish to marry should get to know me and me, her.  Well, that saw me through a few failed relationships before I got to my fourth year in the university, unfortunately.

I sat down to have a complete rethink. I discovered I couldn’t think alone, then I sought after books; those, talks by professionals and my selective understanding of their works, gave me another view of facing my challenge. That would bring me to the first thing I want to talk about; finding David.

Finding David

            One thing we youths have not come to understand is that, before you can think about marrying a woman, there is one person you should try to marry first, yourself! A principle my late father taught me before he died says,

“Do unto others what you wish others to do unto you”.

Make your body your wife and treat it as such, whatever you won’t do to it because you won’t like it, then write that down in your brain and make sure no woman you call your wife is treated that way.

            In my quest for self-discovery, I realised that the stress of cooking for myself, doing my laundry, cleaning up the house and even washing my dirty plates, was actually a bit high; I imagined it being the work of a woman for a family of four kids plus me (according to my dream), and I realized that would be a lot for just her to handle and she’ll definitely need help. Because it gets harder with marriage, I decided to be the best help she could get. I started learning how to do these things myself and keep up with it on a daily basis for at least a year; living it out practically. Guys, don’t feel that because you are going to be the head of a family it will only be your duty to dish out orders as a king and make everyone else your servant. A good king is a good servant; with this, you will understand your subordinates more, you won’t be far from them and they would love you more. A family is all about synergy. You must unite and stay as one to fight all obstacles. The only glue that can do that is love.

             True love encompasses or facilitates all other ingredients we believe is part of marriage such as understanding, patience, trust, care, communication and so on.

When you learn how to love yourself, do likewise to a wife. True love has nothing to do with sex, there is a clear demarcation. Men these days ask, how can I say I love someone and she loves me, but we are not having sex? What sort of love is that? When you base your love on sex, it will definitely crumble if anything happens to the sex. Don’t be deceived by the euphoria that comes with it, it is only an illusion that wears away when reality sets in.

            My self-discovery made a turn into understanding my character. I started asking my friends questions about me; how I behave, what they hate most about me, what they love most and many more, and it helped me understand how I relate with others. People usually think that the opinion of others don’t matter, but I think they are just scared of hearing the truth about themselves. If we don’t really care what others say about us, then why look at a mirror when fully dressed? On this journey, I found out my worst side and a lot of wrongs about my life, for instance, I realised I had a bad temper, I am a very jealous person, when I love someone I hardly say it because I expect the person to know, my prayer life was not up to standard, and a lot more. I started working on a change plan. I started therapies to manage my temper and control jealousy, then started building my prayer life.

             The Prayer life of a man is more important than that of a woman. You are the God your family looks up to as the head of the family. When there is a problem in the marriage, everybody runs to you, and trust me, there are some problems that require God’s intervention, so you will have to run to Him in prayers.

During your wedding, you’re dedicating your marriage to God in a church; you are telling Him, “Here is my family, please take charge”. Don’t make excuses for not being prayerful, then look for a wife who is prayerful, God will simply give her that family to rule because you are not competent, no matter how much you earn and provide. Prayer is everything in a marriage, so that is one thing you should know how to do best. There could be strong challenges like, problem of childbearing, complete financial breakdown, loss of lives, amongst others that only a praying family can overcome.

            I also found out that my health is another outstanding factor. There is no way I can handle marriage stress without a healthy lifestyle. Men, stay away from excessive drinking and quit smoking, you are only reducing your life span and punishing your unborn child.

When you do what everyone does, that does not make you a man, try doing what only a handful can achieve.

Engage in serious exercise and make it your routine, it helps to keep your body and mind at peace. Also try to imbibe it in your lady. This I started trying too! Trust me, I love what my body feels like every day.

            As I was still working on my self-discovery, I realised there was another side to it that was a challenge as well. That would lead me to the next thing I’ll talk about, David’s comfort.

David’s Comfort

             It’s one thing to be willing to get married, it’s another thing to be capable of getting married.

            At this stage, I realised that I cannot stay outside a particular comfort zone. I also knew at that moment that I have to prepare a comfort likewise or better, before I can welcome my bride. Now this part is as delicate as dependent. Comfort is very much variable, two people may not have the same sense of comfort but can actually lie in the same range. For me, when I have a stable, suitable and satisfying job; I have a pretty good accommodation, then a car (although not really an impediment), I am good to go. This varies with people like I already noted. Some people want more, some less.

I’ll advice, don’t spend your time trying to meet perfection in comfort before you marry a woman, find a woman who sees you for who you are at the moment and what you will become, then build with her.

Marrying early comes with the perks of growing with your kids and having a somewhat easier life. There are less chances you would be thinking about school fees for your first child, a year to your retirement. The comfort you provide for your home at start also shows a woman the kind of dream you have, it may be small, but let it have quality. You may be living in an apartment you pay 120k per year for instance, but inside this apartment, a woman would find a home. You keep it neat, your kitchen has all she needs, your toilet is always neat, your bedrooms well arranged, and even your compound is clean. These little things send a large signal to a sensible woman and tells to an extent, your level of responsibility.

Another concept I started working on is David’s partner.

David’s Partner

            This is the stage I’ll say I’m working on at the moment. Finding your partner is easier when you have found yourself. In finding yourself, you realise and admit your bad sides, try to change them and when you can’t, that would tell you the kind of woman you need in your life. If you can’t quit talking too much and you hate it, then don’t go and marry a gossip, she will only encourage the habit. Understanding yourself makes you know exactly what you are looking for in a woman, it will also make you not to fall for “anything on skirt”. You need God’s help also because He alone knows the heart of man and will lead you to the right heart. I will advise though, do not sit down and wait for God to show you the woman to marry, it’s not proper. It’s faith without work. Pray for God’s wisdom and direction, then go out there with an eye to find one that matches your desires, yes He will help you. Look for a woman that complements you.

Before you marry, you are half complete, this is because there are dark sides in your life and even difficulties that you are battling with; likewise the partner you are looking for. You are seeking stability, someone who completes you, makes you whole and you become firm. That person has your faults as her best character and vice versa in minor cases and most importantly loves what you love doing. She must not do them as well, but at least has no problem with you doing them and probably loves watching you do them (this goes both ways). This is important because, most broken couples complain about happiness in marriage and this is its root cause. This partner has to have the same vision with you about your marriage; how to train your kids, kid’s education, religion and to a larger extent, moral beliefs. Because I choose to start my marriage small, I need a woman who thinks likewise. Guys, don’t pick a partner that will pressure you so much, look for a woman who sees what you are and love you like that, knowing you have prospects. Choose a partner that has prospects too. Don’t marry a liability into your home, let her hunger for success as much as you do, as that would catapult you faster to the height you aim at. Even if you are very wealthy, it’s still not wise, because she may not teach your children especially the females that they have fight to be independent of a man to some extent. Don't  house a partner for the sole reason of beauty or wealth, they never make up for the pain that comes thereafter. Beauty and wealth are like nail polish on a finger, clean it off and you may find broken, ugly nails. When you two half complete people meet each other and get married, you become one.

Young people always ask, is it wrong to marry a person not of your church? This is not a yes or no question. I believe we serve one God, but the Christianity of today has shown we serve Him in different ways. So I’ll say this, marry a partner who serves God in the same way as you do, the church is not your problem, and because you are sure of the heart that serves God, it makes you confident of the way your partner would bring up your children spiritually, even if you happen not to be there anymore. This would reduce division in the home you wish to unite.

They also go on to ask, is it the person or the place he/she comes from we should consider when picking a partner? Well, both are as important as each other. The place one comes from is very important in picking a partner, this to some extent tells you the level of expectation obtainable. But this does not entirely define the personae of your partner. So I’ll say this, try to find out how much a person’s background affects the person, because that’s what you will live with for the rest of your life. Note that this requires a lot of wisdom and only God can give you that.

During one of my talks somewhere, a guy asked,

“Sex is an important part of marriage and it’s good to know the sex life of your partner before you enter marriage, so you don’t regret. How can you know this if we don’t consume premarital sex?”

Sex before marriage is fornication, and you cannot lay your courtship on a foundation of sin, then expect God’s help. I’m not saying this as a righteous person, but I’m declaring the obscured truth we Christians find it hard to admit. Love determines sex. A person you love so much, you will always enjoy sex with the person, as you are meant to share passion, excitement, affection and fun together. Remember you are making love to your wife, not sleeping with a prostitute, same goes to women. You can as well ask yourselves questions on each person’s sex fantasy during courtship. I believe that’s ok, you can find out what her sex life could look like from there. Save your sex till after marriage, if it’s not possible, let it go. Don’t poke God’s eyes and expect Him to look onto your family, with which eyes? People would say, “Not in the world of today”, but if you are a true Christian you will know that the word of God is new every day. No matter what the world becomes, be a Christian, your strength as one determines how much God will intervene in your family.

When I have my partner, its sure then to think about my wedding. This leads us to the next stage in my dream, David’s wedding.

David’s wedding

            Before I go on, there are some definitions I need to lay down. I choose to define a wedding and a marriage as follows:

A wedding is a marriage ceremony, performed legally or religiously before witnesses, that gives a couple involved licence to live together in holy matrimony.

A marriage is an instituted choice made by two individuals of opposite sex, to love, to be whole and cherish, in sickness and in health, in joy and in sadness, with God as their ultimate foundation, till death do them part.

            If you agree with these definitions as much as I do, then making your choices in a wedding would not be so difficult. Because I know my journey before this moment has been quiet and small, that’s exactly how I’ll have my wedding. The type of wedding you want depends on the both of you and what you fantasize on. If you both choose a luxurious wedding and can afford it, then go for it. Again, if you agree with the definitions I gave earlier as much as I do, then I won’t see a point in impressing witnesses with a whooping sum of money, in a day’s ceremony when you have a lifetime to spend together. I’ll advise, keep your marriage romantic and beautiful, but simple. It’s not in the quantity of cash you spend, it’s the quality of the event, so include special moments in your programme for the day that would make it memorable. Don’t try to impress people, they really don’t care. Impress yourselves for a lifetime. 

             Don’t try to prove to a girl’s family that you can give their daughter a big wedding that would be the talk of the town, you won’t find it funny when you can’t take care of their daughter because you fell broke at any point. In fact, for the reason that you did a lot during the wedding, they expect their daughter to always live like a queen in your house and nothing less. Cut your coat according to your size and always hang it at your reach. There are times when it is actually the parents that demand for such a wedding, let the parents pay for it, since it’s their pride they wish to secure not yours. Don’t be scared to state what you wish your marriage to look like and how much you wish to spend, if it becomes the problem of the ceremony, let the marriage go if you can. Not everything is meant for you, its best you go for what you deserve, than manage what you don’t.

           

                I wish that when David weds, he marries his friend as a complement of himself. I wish to be able to help my wife at all times and we both work as a team to make things work. I wish that everybody in my family can easily approach me and communicate with me their deepest thoughts no matter how dark it is. I wish that my wedding will be memorable to my wife and I, and not to witnesses. Finally, I wish that when David weds, the heavens will see to the success of my family.

Last words…

Most of the things I said in this article came from the husband point of view, note that these teachings go both ways. But to be specific, here are some other points for the women:

• ·         I have already said that the man should learn to assist you in some things in the home, this does not mean that’s the primary duty of your husband, they are yours. He would help as much as you do the same, that’s why you get to work too. Submission is required of a woman in every marriage, I’ll selectively avert the Bible point of view in buttressing my point, but think of it as an organization which always requires a head, supporting head and then other subordinates. No matter how much you women fight over this case, in the office where you work, you are loyal to your boss, or is it because this man humbled himself to work with you in love and respect?I’ll borrow the words of a dear friend, “The woman should be submissive and subject to the man, true, not in a master-slave setting but in a “pilot-co-pilot” setting. From a Christian perspective, let me answer in this manner, the man and woman are equals in Christ, the structure in question pertains strictly to the marriage setting. And if the man recognizes that the woman is first God's daughter, before being his wife, then he will treat her like a queen whom he must lead right; like The President making you the teacher of his only daughter”.

• ·         There are certain vices you must let go of as a woman in your marriage; pride, gossip, perfectionism, laziness, prayerlessness, individualism, nagging, abusive approach or uncensored language in heated situations and many more. These things goes for men too, but it’s common amongst women.

• ·         If you happen to be the breadwinner of your family due to circumstances your husband could not avert, don’t take it up as an advantage to reduce your husband to a nonentity. Respect him and be loyal to him always. God has given you that purpose, it’s not by your hard work that you earn more, but by God’s grace, so stay humble.

• ·         Stay close to your children as much as possible, let them tell you everything and don’t be so quick to judge them, teach and correct them. Do not spare the rod where necessary. Know all their friends and make them your friends too.

To the both of you…

•     Always be patient. Good things don’t come easy and some bad things takes time to wear away. There could be circumstances where it seems like the end of the road, do not give up, be patient.

• ·         Do not compare your marriage to another. Every marriage is a union by God for a purpose. Discover yours and work towards it. Every family must not be rich, and wealth cannot buy things like good children, so if it can’t, then wealth is not everything.

• ·         Don’t be so engrossed in chasing the fortunes of this world that you forget to observe special moments with your family such as birthdays, anniversaries and so on. Provide gifts for each member of the family on their special day, they would always remember them.

• ·         Talk about everything with each other. Effective communication comes from effective listening not just talking. From listening you get to understand more. Don’t listen to pick a wrong point, listen to the heart and then you will feel what your partner feels.

• ·         Be quick to apologise. You must not be right all the times. Sometimes, even when you are right, don’t argue at that heated moment, wait and discuss it later calmly. Avoid heated arguments in front of children, as well as adult talks.

• ·         Spend your last penny to acquire quality education for your children, they will be forever grateful for it.

• ·         Listen to people’s advices but be selective about them. Don’t be quick to tell your marital problems to a third party, always keep your problems within your marriage.

• ·         Men, don’t ever lay your hands on your wife, women watch your tongue. This also goes vice versa…amusingly.

• ·         Yes, our world of today is developing and things are getting more civilised, maintain the right thing and do it at all times, not just because the Bible said it, but because it is morally right.

• ·         Be prayerful. Make God your marriage companion and you will sail through.

So long dear reader, as I expect to see you when David weds…😘