Forever Lessons

Dear reader, 

Been a while yea? I've missed doing this too, but between planning to get married and eventually getting married, a lot has really happened. These things kept me off writing for a while and I can't tell you enough how hard that was for me. But here I am, ready to serve you another dish of beautiful words succinctly put together to appeal to both your digest and inspiration. 

In 2018, I wrote an article titled David Weds, it was an article where I tried to relay my dream plan for my dream wedding with my supposed wife. 😆 I tried to inspire young minds who have not thought of marriage in the way I did and as well, I figured I could encourage those who have already found themselves in the process. 

Today I'm 30! And yes I'm married! 😍 The wedding was memorable and my wife is everything I wished for and more! Congratulations, I know, thanks a bunch! 😊 

So did my plan work? How did I do it? It's a lot to talk about if I were to answer these questions, so I've decided this article would be to explain all I learned going through this process in the past two years. I'll separate these lessons into two; 

1. Lessons for the gentleman.

2. Lessons for the lady. 

Before I go on, there is something I need to teach you today. Building up to this article, some readers have come into my DM with some areas they wished I touched while writing this piece. I'll be selective about it because some of the requests don't have direct ties to this work, so if you don't find yours here, it may appear in another article some other time. 

A fan asked, "please can you be explicit about your personal view on the concept of love?"

I will answer this question and probably within my attempt to do so, I may touch on other requests from others. Answering this question would also serve as a good introduction and a base of understanding for other things I'll talk about as I go on. 

Love is a supernatural feeling that transcends a person's essence into another person. When this happens, you start to see the other counterpart as yourself in such a way that you are convinced that hurting this person is more or less hurting yourself; and this person's happiness becomes yours as well. Observe something, this is not achieved when the other partner feels the same way, one person can sincerely feel this way about another on his or her own, even when the other partner feels completely nothing. This answers the question of how come you love your partner so much and do everything for this person, yet he or she can't love you back. Until this person obtains the supernatural ability to transcend beyond him or herself and think more about you just like you do, it's impossible to treat you right. Many of us think we are in love, but most times we're in love with our interests in our partner; physical beauty, sex, assets or the father of them all, money. This is true because when real tests of love show up, these people disappear from your life. These tests are not infertility, ill health or even financial crisis; do you know that you can't stay with an unkind partner? Do you know you that beauty is incomparable to a polite person? Do you know money can't buy a respectful partner? These little attributes and more are the foundation of a healthy human existence. You see, the first mistake you'd ever make as a person would be to go into the singles market, looking for interests instead of values. 

How can I love a person better? This question makes me laugh though. 😅 You can't force yourself to love someone. Because it's a supernatural feeling, it overpowers you and you see yourself thinking and acting only in the interest of this partner. The question should be, how can this supernatural feeling take over me and make me capable of love? You can't give what you don't have dear one. The first gift God ever gave to you is yourself, it's the way you treat, admonish, respect and seek to develop yourself to become better, that determines if Love would find you worthy. Love comes in different forms, one oof them is the form of a partner, and it lives where it finds itself. Does that mean that one should blindly love? Even when your partner doesn't treat you right, do you stay? That's not my point, but you should know this, one can only attract the energy he or she gives off. When you start living right, you would attract the right people. In the absence of pretense, you'll see this statement coming true in your life; I say this because most of us are so dark in our hearts and pretend to the whole world to be better people. Love sees though you dear one, you'll only get what you deserve.

 

How do you know a partner is right for you? 

I'll tell you this. Stop looking for what you can gain from a person, look for what you can give. Your right partner is the one seeking for the values you have which would make him or her a better person. So if you're looking to take, you'd not meet Love, to whom you're meant to give. It is in giving you receive. Let me give an example, I had a friend tell me a problem. My friend has a very bad temper and this was his greatest challenge. He wished it to stop and hoped one day he'd get better at it as he worked against it everyday. A day came and he met this young lady, he liked her instantly but staying closely with her he realized she was always unkind to people. This bothered him a lot and he decided to teach her how to be better. The process was worse, you know why? The lady has lived her life this way for a long time and was very used to it, so it was going to take a whole lot to learn kindness all anew. Lo and behold, her gracious teacher has a bad temper, this means, he lacked the patience to deal with the time it would take. When he came to me with this problem, I told him, keep trying, remember she's learning to be kind, if you show her unkindness, then she'd learn that too. Something magical happened to him without him knowing, because he made it his only choice to make this person better, he never realized that he was also learning how to be more patient and understanding with people. This ultimately affected his temperament too, because the more patient and understanding  one becomes, the less likely he'd get angry over flimsy things. So imagine he never sought to give, he wouldn't have received. Listen, marriage seeks perfection from a couple, that means Love would give you a partner who has everything you don't have and vice versa, so in essence, you spend your entire marital union teaching, correcting, modifying and developing each other in love. So a right partner, must look unto other human beings with love and respect, that's how you'd know this person would treat you right. 

The rule of money and love. 

Money is not love. Stop mixing these things up. Money helps you solve problems that money can procure. Money cannot buy a supernatural feeling, an ultimate feeling which would make another human being deem you the most special creature on earth to him or her. 

Having stated these things, let's hit the road! 😊

Lessons for the gentleman

1. "Follow who know road". 

You remember all the plans I made in David Weds? I went 6 months into the plans and I realized I had no headway with any part of it. One day I was in church and the priest said something that hit me, "Jesus Christ is Love". In that minute a whole lot started playing back in my brain, I've been really stupid all this while. So I "jejely" carried my business plan and quotation and went to Him. 😂 My guy, I fell on my knees and told Him, God, I don't know anything about my life, I don't even know if I'll see tomorrow, please I beg you, lead me through the path that I must follow and give me the grace to follow it till the end. My life changed "instanta"! I have heard loads of youths claim, if I don't build a house, if I don't buy a car, if I'm not earning six figures, I'm not going into marriage. Let me ask you, who made you in charge of your future? Who promised you the next five minutes you'd be alive and well? Brothers, your house may be you wife, your six figures may be your wife, your new ride may be her, because "He who findeth a wife, has found a good thing". Work hard, pray and ask God to show you the road. He can never lead you astray. Sometimes His methods are hard and requires your resilience, but the purest of gold passed through a difficult process. I'm not saying that having all these plans is really bad for a man, but let His divine plan tell you which comes first. Believe in His divine project for your life. Stop telling God what you think you need, allow Him to give you what you deserve. Now this part is tricky 😃, what you deserve is who you are (read that again). So you see why God will drill you? He needs to create a better version of you and prepare you for Love (God's Love). You can't obtain what you're not ready for, so the earlier you start working with him, the faster your blessing come. This would take me to the next lesson I learned.

 

2. Humble yourself. 

For a man that humbles himself, his wife and children shall be his pride. The ego of a man is his greatest downfall, learn to cut your wings. Throwing yourself before God for help requires humility, seeking to give instead of receive requires humility, even finally living with the woman God has given you still requires a great deal of humility; because as I said earlier, you learn a lot from each other in marriage, and he who seeks to learn must burden his words and actions with humility. Most times in your marriage, you'd have to listen and obey your wife, but without humility comes disobedience. 

3. Have a vision. 

As much as you have God, have a plan for your life, go to God for directions then go out there and watch Him lead you through better channels. Love plans to stay with a person who has plans to keep. When you meet a lady don't just jump up and start opening up your plans to this woman because you want to sound intelligent. Study this person carefully, some people are plan killers. Some are really shallow minded and instead of encouraging you and bringing up ideas of how it can even be better, they end up convincing you that you're dreaming too high for yourself. Save your plans for visionaries and remain silent to fools. A woman with good vision is like a trampoline, she catapults you so high and so fast, you'd be shocked at the man you've become. So, your vision is as important as the woman you tell it to.

4. Don't ever plan a wedding that you'd have to spend extra to pay up debts. 

The joy of my wedding till date is that, we had not even a single debt to repay at the end. Not even one! And before you say, maybe it was one low class wedding, everyone ate to their fill with so much remainder, I had so much guests I couldn't capture all in one glance, and it was so romantic I shed tears holding my wife. Maybe these things don't really appeal to you and I can understand that, but the worst situation you can find yourself in is starting a marriage with debts. It normally kicks off with some bills on the ground to pay, and if you're owing in that moment, then you'd find yourself roped into a current of debts. 

5. If you cannot forgive or ask to be forgiven, don't get married. 

In the presence of nine wrongs, love can survive door the sake of one right. Her own or his own is not the worst. Sometimes it's just the energy you give to it and the way you choose to follow it. What you call small offence or problem of challenge, becomes one, and vice versa. So, sometimes, the problems you call big are just big because you think of them as so. Forgive and forget. Let things go, heal and accept happiness. Things must not go your way, your partner must not think the way you think, this person must not have common sense, remember you complete your partner. Forgive and also learn to ask for forgiveness. Don't hit a woman over something you can't forgive, it doesn't justify an injury or a pain inflicted on her, especially where this woman never laid hands on you. Again without humility and self-control, this is not achievable.

 

6. Observe the three duty "P"s of every man. 

Learn to protect your woman. Side her outside, correct her inside. Protect her life, her emotions, her finance, her properties and most of all, protect her from herself. 

Always provide for her. Don't ever do something bad to keep up with this duty, but make sure you do all within your power to keep up. Keep her comfortable and when you can't, learn to speak to her soul and draw her smile from there. You won't always have what a woman needs, because obviously they are rarely satisfied, your words would make up for your lapses. 

Talking about words, you should have a whole collection of praise amongst them. Women glow when you praise them. Learn to praise her both privately and publicly, put a smile on her face before you leave the house. Praise the little things, washing, cooking, when she says something nice, the way she walks, the way she cackles, every little thing. This gives her confidence and fortifies her with strength. The duties of a mother is one you can't fulfill, she'll need every encouragement and love to go through it without realising the difficulties. 

Lessons for the lady 

1. You are your home. 

However you wish your home to be, that's the way it'll become. A good husband would always listen to his wife, so the question is, how are you going to help this man achieve a dream home for you both? What do you have upstairs to intelligently scale through challenges? Have you ever heard yourself speak? Do you know how you sound when you're annoyed?  Check your arrogance, patience, tone of voice and language. Most men are not good at talking, but they're big on absorbing. If you say a bad thing to a man, he can sleep and die from there. What you say to a man, how you say it and where you say it really affects how a man would react to it. A good advice with a bad language may not be absorbed by most people, so be careful. 

Be a man's peace. The journey of marital life is a long one, and you'll enjoy it more if you don't end up alone half way to the end. If you need your husband to live long, be his peace whenever he gets home. The chaos outside you home is a whole lot, he has to fight through it like a lion and come home to you with something, all he needs at the end of the day is to be at peace and be happy. Know his favorites, observe his needs, know when he's out of the items he can't do without, or when it's spoilt, remember the special days in his life, tell him sweet things that make him so special to you, complain kindly when he's toeing a wrong foot; these things keep him with you always. 

2. Don't ever let a misunderstanding sleep in your house for a night.

The devil always tries to con his way through a marriage, and his best method is waiting patiently for both of you to let your egos push you into a malice. Have you ever observed this, the longest quarrel you ever had with your man must have been about the most flimsy of issues? The amusing part is when you have gone a week into the quarrel and someone asks you, "but how did all this really start?", you find yourself thinking backwards to recollect what caused it all, you know why? It's simply because the devil has amplified what seemed to be so small into what has become unforgivable. Learn this, the longer you keep a malice, the harder it becomes to ask for forgiveness or even to forgive each other. Now I'm saying all this on the ladies part, yes, because you are your home. I'm sure you'd now ask, what if he was the one that looked for my trouble, should I still keep asking for forgiveness? No, but you can talk him into it. You just had a row, he's red hot, allow him for a while to cool off, you need it too. Crawl into his arms, now talk calmly to him. Start with what you think you did wrong and how you understand that it hurt him, don't say sorry o 😅, then tell him how he made you feel, tell him to make you understand that it wasn't his intentions. Now he'll explain himself, most men end up saying sorry at the end. At no point during this conversation should your voice go up, even if his goes up, and you learn that if you're still crawled up on his body, caressing one or two essential parts 😉, he would hardly raise his voice, he'll give you that deep bellow in consent to a good feeling. 😁 Also learn another important lesson from this, when you communicate better, you'll realise you don't get to tell your problems to a third party. When you're married, form a two-handed circle and let no one come into that circle. Protect your husband from talking outside by making yourself always available to him no matter what. 

3. Develop yourself. 

Most women are empty, this is why you can't meet a responsible man. Some just sound like they have something upstairs with loads of convincing grammar, but when you get down to the drill with this woman, she's just a liability. Lady, quit pretending to yourself, quit hiding behind the shadows of the wrong ideas of feminism, equip yourself with the right knowledge of marital life and realise it takes hard work and commitment. Prepare your mind for all that comes with it. Learn humility, little acts of service and understand that money would not even solve half of your problems in marriage, being a good woman with virtues would help you solve them. The moment everyone is seeing a problem in the house except you, know it that you are the problem. Read right, engage in self development courses, heal from bad relationships, believe in your man and in your marriage, give yourself a chance to be the architect of a beautiful project. 

For the young couple, don't be scared to start small and start young. Like I said in David Weds, a lot of perks come with it. When I was starting off, people said it was risky, some said it was wrong, some others said it wasn't feasible, that I would soon run from the marriage. Well, here I am, no scars and no bruises. In fact, everyday I'm reassured I made the right decision because of the blessings that has come with it. Remember how I started this article, you're not in absolute control, you have to always remember that if God let your wedding be a success,  you have to submit your marriage to Him and you'll tell the same story. Again, I couldn't have achieved any of these feat without my family, they were my anchor, especially when I got confused and the stress weighed me down. They also supported me financially when my shoulder got too burdened. Learn this, there is no harm in parents supporting the wedding of their kids, young man, is it your burial you'd prefer they support? Stop letting the society pressure you wrongly. Have a working template and rack up a finance that can aid 90% of your plan, of course your parents would come with theirs and your plan would end up being necessarily twisted a bit, but in love, your friends and family would not leave you bare. So have a good relationship with your family and friends as well, these are moments where they come through for you. God will not throw down bundles from heaven, it is from the good you've done unto others that you would be rewarded. 

This is the biggest lesson I ever learned building up to my marriage and I'll reference a movie I learned it from, "Madea Homecoming" by Tyler Perry. 

When you are getting married, learn to say "I do" to different people and not just one person. This is the reason for loads of broken marriages out there. People evolve, people change, so you realise the person you married 10 years ago becomes a totally different person at the moment and probably changes again after 10 years and so on. So you see you need to renew the vows you both made to yourselves and accept these new people you have become. 

If you are not ready to accept these changes, you may reject the next big thing that may happen in your life. Also, your relationship with yourselves determine who both of you changes to next. Maintain good values in your marriage and you'd see, you both would become deeper in love and better persons for each other.

Lastly, remember that God willing, your kids would come. Whoever both of you work hard to become, whatever virtues you lay as the foundation of your family, it would all rub off on your kids. So be the kids you wish to have. 

Okay, here's my stop. 😊 I know you want me to keep writing, but I have a wife to tend to, and she's not one to keep waiting 😂. So long dear reader, cheers to your beautiful marriage yet to come.🍷

Thank you for reading. ☺