Parental Guidance

My dear reader, I'm happy you clicked to read even though you may not be a parent. I'm even happier, because you clicked to listen to a non-parent trying to lay advice on parenting. Writing this article was challenging, and even though I worked with statistics on the ideas I bring to the table for consideration, it still does not mean they work 100%. This article is best for young people who are planning on getting married and having their own children, or even young couples, it's not exactly suitable for people who have been married with kids for over 20 years. I’m not here to teach you how to train your kids, but I’ll drop some aids that can equip you for better parenting.

Parenting has no formula, but I'm sure every parent wants a happy home, except probably "your case is uniquely different". As a parent, you owe three aspects of life:

• God
• Your children
• The world

God planted these seeds in your life and He expects you to grow them to learn His ways, abide by them and never depart from them.

Your children look up to you to have a safe and secure foundation to build a successful life.

The world needs people who would change it for the better and not ruin it.

By these you already understand that you've got a long journey ahead of you, but what you may not realize is that this journey starts with YOU! The difference between a parent and a teacher is that, while a teacher can pretend, a parent cannot, so you can never play the role of “follow my words but not my actions”. This brings me to my first point…

1. Be a role model to your children.

Most parents want their kids to be the opposite of the negative persons they are. This is rarely possible. Even if you’re able to get this style of training right, it won’t grant you 100% success. When you don’t practice what you preach to them, you’re only saying, “You can do this when it’s convenient for you”. Some children learn more practically than theoretically, so no matter how much you talk, and you don’t lay it down practically for them to see, it’s never going to work for them. Children monitor everything you say or do, down to even the way you chew your food, and they tend to practice the same thing subconsciously. Sometimes, they may not be able to tell you that they learnt a bad habit from you the parent, but if you are observant enough, you’ll definitely know when they are picking an act from you. Kids are always a product of who the parents are, in most ways.

2. Spare the rod and spoil the child

This is a notion that has led to home friction in so many ways. Children are humans with developing brains, each developing at a different rate. Most times they do dumb things and it’s easier to swing the sword and problem is solved. The fact still remains that the power of a heartfelt conversation cannot be overrated. Knowing your child is more important than correcting them. If you choose to only always be there to correct them, and never there to understand them, then you will end up losing your child. Unless your child is mentally incapacitated, there is always a reason behind his/her actions. This reason may be good or bad, but your method of response to that action would determine if your child’s next action would be better or worse. Often times a child would have a good intention for doing something that ended badly, but we can only understand that if we drop the rod and the anger and talk with this child. Do not always see every bad act of a child as an opportunity to express violence, like it is said, it hardly solves problems and mistakes are bound to be made. I am not ruling out the use of a reasonable punishment, but when your punishment loses its value due to its frequency, then the sense is as well lost. Some older parents have used this method of training kids, even though they may turn out effective, but in some cases, creates a load of friction in the older family.

Another side to this is motivation. Most times parents find it very easy to caution a child’s bad behavior, but finds it very difficult to motivate the good one. When something good is done by a child, praise him four times greater than you would scold him. This makes the child see more good in himself/herself than bad and thereby grow in confidence. Most times, Nigerian parents grow kids with the impression that when you praise a child a lot, then that child would start feeling way over his/her head. Would this child grow better in a hostile environment? To some extent, this is fallacy, every child always wishes to feel welcomed in the home and this makes the person cherish the home more than any other place in the world. Showing a child you love them does not end in paying bills, fees and clothing them, those are your responsibilities as a parent not really a sign of love. Anybody can do that for your kids without pain as well. Showing them love is having a relationship with them that no one else can. Tell them you love them, daily; tell them how beautiful they look, it makes them more confident and they won’t fall wrongly when an opposite sex says that to them first; tell them what you love most about them, the value they possess that makes you smile all the time; let them know you trust them; these things makes them fall in love with you. Most kids are really sensitive to these little things and it’s an essential requirement for their full development.

3. The Stranger.

Hey working class parent! Or you are an aspirant? I’ve got nothing against you. I just think Elvis and Lucy deserves as much attention as your job, even more. Money does not solve all the problems of children, they may not be able to tell you yet, because the awesome gifts and trips during the holidays won’t let them, or probably because they are just young and dumb, but one day it will hit you, and no amount of money can buy that kid back. Day cares, boarding schools, nannies, child keeps…they are not you! There is a role your presence plays in their lives, sense of security, light of inspiration, understanding of responsibility, nature of a marital home, and lots more. Children have needs, and these days it’s not just the case of being there for your female child’s first menstrual cycle (although it’s even neglected).

They get confused sometimes and become inquisitive, who do they ask for advice? Nanny?

They get scared of people outside, where is their security?

They face some form of abuse outside the house, how would you know?

Do you think anyone cares about your family as much as you do? No one, no matter how much you pay, because care is not bought. If after making all the money you hope for in your job and you lose your children, or any of them, what’s the gain? Don’t be a stranger to your own children, let them know you, and you them. Let them see the reality of most aspects in life through you firsthand. Milk with them so well they are never scared to tell you at least most of their secrets. Create fun times with them especially special moments: birthdays, anniversaries, good academic performances, Easter, New Year, Christmas, and so on. Make traditions on those days and don’t miss them.

4. Stay away from Sex

This is easier said than done. Mistakes with an opposite sex by children, I would say is always 80% the fault of parents. “How can you stay away from something you have no idea about?” an inquisitive mind would ask. Children, especially those of this era, are always curious, their minds accommodate a range of questions that their facial expressions don’t always give up. Sex education is something that has to be taught at quite a younger age (say 10-11 years) because, if you don’t, Youtube, Google and a host of bad friends would do that for you. Let them hear the first version of it from you even before they are thought reproductive system in school. As they grow (say 14-15 years), go raw; show them a condom, teach them what it is used for and how it’s used; show them other contraceptives you could lay your hands on; tell them about pornography, everything down to porn magazines; tell them about masturbation and homosexuality. You may ask, at this tender age? My dear reader, you’ll be shocked to hear what other kids know at that age, as innocent as they look and they may be friends to your child. You cannot know all their friends, neither can you keep them from having friends, so it’s better you equip your own child with the better version of the ugly truth, before he or she is advised wrongly. Some think exposure would ruin kids, don’t wait till others expose them for you, your words may not have meaning by then. Let them know everything, then educate them on the dangers of using or doing them, trust me they will understand. I’ve come to understand that a child would grow up to be good or bad if he/she decides on any. It is not how much you protect that would help, it is how much you let this child know before the decision is made.

            So he likes a girl in school…is this bad or good? The better question is, would it be nice if your kid never liked anyone of the opposite sex? Do you want to encourage homosexuality? I am sure you don’t. For years now, we’ve seen it as an abomination when a child takes a liking to an opposite sex, but when the real abomination set in, we never realized where it built from. When you teach a child right, you will find out he or she is more likely to make better decisions. Two major reasons why kids go into early relationships are peer pressure and insufficient love from parents, the latter being the main underlying factor. Sex is not even close, most know about sex when they are in the relationship and in the quest to feel more of this ‘love’, sex happens. I have already suggested better ways to show love, try as much as possible to satisfy a child’s thirst for love positively, as different as they are in each child. This definitely does not mean they will never seek for love in another, but this time, they will seek love for the right reasons.

5.   Child Career

When you are growing kids, you find yourself dealing with two things based on their career path; talent and fantasy. These two things put most kids in serious confusion and most times you find them even decisive over one and they will sound so stupid at it. Most parents tend to deal with this problem the wrong way. There is something we need to learn, kids don’t understand it when you try to impose anything on them, the moment you do that, they see you more like a prison warder. Learn the patience of playing an advisory role to your child when it calls for it. When you fail at some things in your life as a parent, say career, don’t try to use your children to pay for it, they have a different life to live and a destiny God wants them to fulfill.

You wake up one day and your child jump into your room and he’s like, “Dad! I want to be an astronaut!” You’ve stood right there and looked into that future, considered the relative usefulness of that job in the country, something that even if he climbs an Iroko, he wouldn’t be able to see. Completely a long shot. But trust me, if you react in any way negatively to that statement, you may end up with a child who would never come to you with any decision he ever makes in his life again. Or worse, you may push this child into complete distrust of his own decisions. Instead, accept it happily, as excited as he sounded, ask him why he chose that profession. If he can’t answer immediately, tell him to think about it again, he should also find out everything astronauts do. He would feel more confident about his sense of reasoning which is very important in a growing kid. A lot of opportunities come to a kid which you may not even know about as parent, but if he’s not confident enough, they would pass him by. You are the only that can boost your child’s confidence the best way possible, make them always believe in themselves because whatever you wish they become in their lives depends on that. Don’t decide a career for a child, but guide him to it. Expose your child to more knowledge on anything you find out interests him/her. He picks interest in football, put him in a team and go with him sometimes to watch him play; playing a musical instrument, same. This would not stop the child from going to school, but it lets him know he can be whatever he wants and you would always be there. I’ll let you in to a secret, if parents support their kid through any career path, they would be the best at it and have you to always thank all their lives. A child can always be an engineer with a Masters degree and still be a professional guitarist, it’s all about how you well you let him know he can do that.

6. Learn to let go

"Parents rarely let go of their children, so children let go of them. They move away, they move on." Mitch Albom

A better part of loving a child is shown in the ability to let go at some point during growth, realizing that this child is not yours alone. Most youths always complain of how the parents won’t let them pursue what they want, how they always want them to stay close no matter what they want to do. When they abandon all the opportunities they meet in other places just to be with you, what happens when you are no more there? At a point in a child’s life, he/she seeks for independence, once you start noticing it, gradually start reducing your hold on the child. Some seek for this independence earlier than others, it does not mean they necessarily love you less, it’s just a natural demand of a human being. The way you react to this change in attitude would determine if it would cause a problem or not. Don’t let go entirely, but let the child take decisions, let him/her make the mistakes, it’s part of growing up. Accept them with a smile when they come running for advice, you would see how high they would place you in their lives. Sometimes when you let go, children realize how much they need you. When you grow your children the right way, don’t be scared of letting go, trust them and let them know you do, they would never depart from your teachings.

Let your children go so they can grow...they will never be strong unless they get hurt, they will never learn without mistakes, they will never be successful without a few failures. So, take a deep breath, and let them go.

7. Pray wisely

Yes, I say wisely, because that’s more important than the prayer itself. Build your family on Christ, bearing in mind that on your wedding day, you stood there at the altar and told God to take charge. As you do this, be realistic. There are some kind of prayers not meant for kids at some age. Growing children who are still young should not go through a lot of midnight prayers, long hours of fasting and other rigorous forms of prayers that affect their health. They need a good sleep for their tender brain and also require balanced meal to scare away deficiency syndromes. No matter the "evil following your family", prayer with faith is what is most necessary. When you have tender children, pray with them early enough so they could get enough sleep before they wake up the next day, put them through a few hours of fasting, this would not deter God from hearing your plight. You can handle the other longer, tedious prayers yourself.

            A family that prays together, stays together, cultivate that habit and your family would be secure. You can’t achieve half of all I said in this piece without prayers, trust me. Your children look up to you for guidance and assistance, while you look up to God for yours. Divine intervention is the secret to a healthy marriage and successful child upbringing.

            So there you are my reader, words of a learner without experience…lol. I cannot exhaust everything there is in parenting on this piece, but I’ll leave you with these words…

A child who is respected, will become respectful.

A child who is loved, would become loving.

A child who is treated with fairness, will become just.

A child who is listened to, will become a great listener.

A child who is given choices will become responsible.

A child who is treated with kindness, will become a great friend.

A child who is nourished in all these ways, will become a leader.

What I tell you, I tell myself as well, I can only be hopeful for the best families for you and I. Thank you so much for reading, till we meet again, be a better guided parent.